Divorcing God: Bitterness and Disappointment

I recently finished filling out my red journal where I write down sermon notes, prayers, conversations with God, verses and poems/lyrics that I enjoy.  In the past it has taken me three to four years to fill out a journal but this one only took a little over a year.  So of course I went out and bought a brand new journal which I love doing once one is completed.  Even more so than getting a new journal, I like to go back and read through my journal to remind myself what I have been through and what God has taught and shown me.

This past year and a half has by far been the most soul searching year I have ever gone through.  There have been so many ups and downs and confusion and clarity all jumbled together that I don’t know if I will ever be able to look back and fully understand how much just this last year has impacted the rest of my life.
 

One thing that is always refreshing to see in my journal entries is that no matter what emotion I am going through pain/happiness/grief/feeling loved etc….God remains faithfully the same and is continually the center of what I want my life to reflect.


I’ve been through a lot of pain, bitterness and disappointment this past year.  Through the pain of friends moving, two grandmothers passing away, rejected relationships, life changing health diagnosis that sucks…etc.  But there have also been amazing blessings as well, God has provided me with an AMAZING job, I have friends that are awesome, I have been realizing how great my family is even if we are a little crazy, I have met some great ladies to be friends with in the area, I have been truly blessed by being able to be involved in different ministries with youth…I could keep going on and on.  Even more overwhelmingly so this year I have felt God’s presence in my life more than I ever have before.  I’ve had yelling matches with Him, quality time, been shown amazing things about myself and how He sees me as well as others, been bitter at Him for having a different plan for my life than my own; and have fallen in love with Him all over again. 


Over the past few months I have heard multiple sermons, read books, and even had conversations that keep highlighting the same topic:  Disappointment in God.  I haven’t purposefully been trying to focus on this subject and I don’t know that a few months ago I would’ve said that I was disappointed in God.  For sure there are things in my life that I wish were different but saying I am disappointed in God sounds just wrong to me.  


It’s true though.  In fact, it’s very easy to be disappointed in God; which easily turns to bitterness.  Far too often it is easy to think of God as a genie in a lamp in a way.  That if I just pray for His will then he will give me my desires. It is a nice thought to think of God giving us what we desire because He loves us.  I have realized over and over though that this is not the case.  I may desire something that is good, but this doesn’t mean it is God’s plan for me, or that it is good for me at this time in my life, He knows better than me.


Take my love life for example.  It is so easy to continually ask God for a strong Christian husband.  I know that if God ever does (or when he does) answer that prayer than I will make a great wife and mother.  Heck, I know how to sew, make homemade laundry soap, can some food, and am a decent cook, so that all has to count for something!  It is easy to wonder what in the world is wrong with me that no guy likes me and to become bitter.  But then…what guy in his right mind would want a bitter girl?  This is where I have had to realize that I am okay.  It is so easy to focus on the one and only area that I’m not necessarily satisfied in my life with that I can overlook how God has amazingly blessed every other area of my life.  He has provided me with an amazing job, family, friends that love me, a ministry to be involved with that I love doing and I could go on and on with the blessings.  It makes me wonder why I can’t be content and just happy to be single.  Even scarier…I’m starting to be okay and enjoy being single and I don’t want to be, because quite frankly I don’t want to be called to a life of singleness.    


I just finished reading a book called “Angry Conversations with God” by Susan Isaacs.  It’s a memoire where the writer takes a humorous approach and takes God to marriage counseling because their relationship is messed up.  It’s actually a pretty good book to read. Long story short her life does not go as she wants it to at all, she continually tries to follow God but feels like she gets shafted at every turn with her career and love life.  Her conversations with God in her “counseling sessions” end up with her realizing she and God need a divorce.  Long story short she realizes that she has been viewing God from jaded glasses in a way.  When she viewed God as a father she put her own relationship with her father on God.  When she viewed herself in a relationship with Jesus she put all her past experiences in men/disappointment on that relationship.  Anyways, you get the point.  She ended up divorcing God because she realized she didn’t know Him as who he really is.  She had to learn who God really was rather than viewing Him as what had been portrayed to her by other Christians who had hurt her and her own failed human relationships.


I don’t need to divorce God.  I do think it is an interesting concept of how we can view God differently than He may actually be though.


I’ve started praying differently lately.  Instead of asking God to fulfill my desires (while of course tacking on asking that His will be done), I’ve been praying that He would change my desires to be His desires.  I can clearly see how God has used my singleness over the past years to not only be able to minister to others but also teach me different lessons.  Instead of continually focusing on what I would like different in my life, I pray that God can use me where I’m at.  Because if I am single until I’m 90 I don’t want to look back and think that I was bitter for 70 years about being single!  Instead I’d rather look back and be able to say that I embraced the singleness that God planned for me and that my life clearly reflected Him through being single.

Camp

I had the best week at Bible camp this last week.  I didn’t get to have my own cabin this year and be with a group of girls which I actually missed; but I was in charge of a couple cabins and was able to hang out and get to know a lot of the young girls and counselors from them.  I really enjoyed the new duties this year. 

What I didn’t expect was for camp to be challenging and encouraging all at the same time. This year I was speaking at a workshop for girls.  I was terrified and what I was speaking on is in my opinion one of my greatest weaknesses making me feel a little inadequate to speak on it. There was so much information to give these girls that if I had learned years ago would have saved me a lot of heartache, but a friend pointed out that it’s better to point them in the right direction and try to model it rather than just give them info.  

It amazes me how God works.  I had decided to condense my workshop down and really just talk to the girls and be real with them.  The workshop was supposed to be on Thursday, and due to some scheduling changes we ended up not doing any of the workshops until Saturday.  Between Thursday and Saturday the main speakers at the camp covered a lot of the other topics I thought would be crucial for the girls to hear but didn’t think would be wise to fit it all in one workshop.  I was so amazed, but shouldn’t have been.  I know that God works things out like that.  And the girls didn’t need to hear it from me, they needed to hear it from whatever venue God chose to speak to them from.  It was inspiring to see so many people giving up their time and energy and being used by God.  

It was encouraging to see the worship band be there and not only lead worship but interact with the kids during the week.  There were morning activities, evening games, and videos that were a success due to a lot of hard unacknowledged time and work spent by some amazing men and women.  What was most encouraging was seeing the kids.  I love spending time talking with girls about everything under the sun.  I loved seeing the ones that are generally closed off open up and be more outgoing.  I loved seeing the older counselor girls relating with the kids. I love seeing God’s people, united and serving Him and each other.  It was a pretty encouraging week.