Dear Andrea

Dear Young 21 Year Old Andrea:

Guess what, your life is not over.  Currently in life you are struggling with who you are as a person, being tortured from living a double life and deciding what you really want out of life.  You will be okay.  You will also be a completely different person in a matter of years.  Embrace the life changing experiences that are about to come your direction.

Right now you are in your “recovering home-schooler” years and ultimately you will realize how much the home-school years actually provided a foundation for life going forward.  Yes, you should move with a band to NY when you are 23.  In this move you will discover that there is more to life than you.  You will also discover that there are different types of love.  You will develop unbreakable bonds with the friends you move with and spend the next few years with.  Cherish the friend Thanksgivings, the Laundry Mat nights, the Erie Canal walks, the band nights, sitting on the porch during warm thunderstorms, and getting stuck in the snow in your Honda (repeatedly).  Wherever life takes you, you will always have the time in NY and the sense of joy / friendship / community and pure love that was experienced even though times were hard.  Also, when you are stuck in a Walmart parking lot/camping in South Dakota for a week……buy the red camping chair as soon as the van breaks down.  Trust me on this one.

By the way, you will break your heart repeatedly.  By breaking your own heart, I mean that you will like guy after guy…..really like them, and think they are the one…..never date them……they will be oblivious to you or lead you on…..and then they will meet someone else and fall in love.  So they won’t break your heart, but you will break your own by placing so much of your identity and future dreams on the person you currently like.   I’d tell you not to do this, and your friends will tell you not to do this, but the reality is that you have to do this in order to move forward in the future. You will learn from emotional pain and it will be hard.  You will also learn your real identity and Who it is based in.  Some tips for recovery are bubble baths, baking/cooking new foods, girl nights, coffee with your good friend and also connecting/arguing with God. 

I know you always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom to a bunch of kids, have a country house in a small town with gardens and pets, and be really involved in ministry.  While this is a noble ambition, it won’t occur in the next ten years.  You will actually have a pretty intense career and be involved in many leadership roles (who would’ve thought?) that will stretch and grow you.  You will begin to realize that God has other plans for the next ten years, and possibly longer.  You will however have lots of young people in your life to cherish and love (12 nieces/nephews and godsons on top of that!).  You will also be more involved with ministry than you ever thought and connecting with others in your mutual pain, joys and life moments.  Even though it will sometimes not seem like it, God knows what He is teaching you.

I don’t have much that I want to tell you, because I don’t want to ruin it.  I want you to always have hope for what could be and always stay positive, even in the devastating times.  There will be devastating times.  You will become a beautiful woman, no, I don’t mean that you will be a hot model (but you’ll be decently cute, at least a little).  I mean that the different types of pain you will go through will lead to a woman with endurance, encouragement, love of others, confidence sprinkled with shyness, generosity, driven/hard-working, with hopefully some wisdom and a reliance on God.  Honestly, you will have many faults and failures too, but I’ll let you figure out what those are and continue to bring them to God.  You won’t be perfect.

I know you will constantly battle with thoughts of why you remain single.  I’m going to let you in on a secret.  There will be times that you think it is because of your weirdo personality.  It’s not.  That personality will be cherished by many.  There will be times you will think it is because you are ugly and some guy just hasn’t seen past your ugliness to see your personality.  It’s not.  Just stop.   There will be times you will blame God.  There will be times you will blame yourself.  

Here is the secret.  You are single because the timing is not right for you.  You may feel like you are waiting, and waiting, and waiting for life to start.  You’ll continue this thought process until you are about 30 and then snap out of it.  There is and never will be anything “wrong” with you and it is not because you are not good enough for a man or relationship.  You are human with flaws, and so is whoever you will end up with.  God only knows the right timing.  Think of everything you will learn over the next ten years and things that you wouldn’t learn if things were different.  Who knows, maybe you are single because your future husband is still learning things that he needs to learn before meeting you.  You’d rather he learn them now since you’re stuck once you’re committed!  Maybe, someday you’ll meet a guy that you can be yourself around and instantly connect with rather than shutting down and not talking to.  My advice:  Don’t wait.  Live life instead and love and enjoy those around you.  Live life with others and constantly seek God.  But don’t painfully wait.

Lovingly,

Andrea (ten years from the future)

PS, I’ll write to you again when I am 41 to see how those ten years went!

Sit, Walk, Stand (Ephesians)

Those who know me, know that I enjoy journaling my thoughts.  This probably scares them.  Perhaps journaling is the wrong term.  I enjoy taking notes when listening to sermons/speakers and then using my journal as a prayer journal.  Whenever I finish a journal I look forward to getting a new one, and I also go back and read through what I’ve written in my completed journal.  It’s one of my favorite “Andrea traditions.”

It has always been encouraging to see how God has answered prayers in ways that I never imagined, or how God didn’t answer prayers and how thankful I am that He knew better.  It’s also encouraging to read through some notes I have taken during sermons and how they line up with what I needed to hear in my journey and relationship with God.  In my most recent journal I was encouraged by a sermon in Ephesians at a church I visited  The pastor referenced a book by Watchman Nee called “Sit Walk Stand.”  I just ordered the book and haven’t read it, but my understanding is that it walks through Ephesians in the context of our walk with God in the sense of “Sit, Walk, Stand.”  While I haven’t read the book yet, I really like the concept of reading Ephesians through this outline.  It was encouraging, and I’d encourage you to read through it with this mindset as well.

These are some of my thoughts on reading Ephesians through this outline.  First, for some background:

Ephesus

There is a lot of cultural background in Ephesians that quite frankly, I am not an expert on, but enjoy.  I like going back to Acts in order to understand Ephesians.  Acts 19:1-10 gives a small overview of Paul’s ministry in Ephesus. 

Ephesus was a trade route and port city.  Paul remained in Ephesus for a few years reasoning with people. Acts talks about how this continued for two years so that all the residents of Asia heard the word of the Lord.

The gospel spread to the point that it impacted local businesses of silversmiths who made shrines and a riot started in Acts 19:21-40. I like to think of how our society would change if people’s hearts changed to the point where it impacted local businesses, like adult stores closing down or bars losing business because customers only have one or two drinks rather than getting drunk.  This is what occurred in Ephesus, the silversmiths were actually losing business because people were responding to the gospel and no longer buying shrines.   

After a few years in Ephesus, Paul left.  In Acts 20:17-38 he told them that he would not see them again and that the Holy Spirit revealed to him that imprisonment and affliction waited for him.  He also warned them about keeping wolves and false doctrines away.  Paul did end up in prison and under house arrest, where he ended up writing Ephesians, among other books.

Paul had a history with the people and church in Ephesus.  It was not just a random letter.

Sit

Ephesians 1-3

I enjoyed reading Ephesians 1-3 through the view of sitting in the knowledge of who we are, as Christians, in Christ.

Stop right now and read Ephesians 1:1-14 if you have not.  No seriously, grab a Bible or google it on your app and read it.  I’m told that in the Greek this is one big long sentence and I imagine Paul just excitedly writing about blessings in Christ.  I like that Paul goes on and on about what Christ has done and who we are in Him.  Some things that stood out to me were that we are Saints (set apart) who are blessed by God in Christ.  Blessings in the Jewish culture were a big deal; it was not just a response to sneezes.    It talks about our inheritance, being redeemed and sealed. 

Even as Christians we can be swept up and forget who we are in Christ.  I come back to this book as a constant reminder of who I am when I have low moments or self-esteem issues.

Chapter 2 goes into who we were, grace, the gospel, and who we now are. 

Chapter 2:1-5 “And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience—  among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.  But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved---and raised with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus.”

“But God” is my favorite two word combination.  We can forget who we are, even as Christians.  We can get trapped and wrapped up in trying to figure out who we are, where we are going, or even focus on the past and baggage we may have with previous sins and failures…..but that is not how God sees us.  He sees us through Christ, seated with him, because God has already done the work that we could not.  We are seated with him and remember what God had done for us and who we are.  If we focus on who we were before, then we remain in a trapped or slave mindset when we are really sons and daughters of God with an inheritance.

There is a peace in knowing this.

Walk

Ephesians 4-5

This section of Ephesians talks about walking worthy of the calling.  Ephesians 4:1-3 states to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

This isn’t a “you must do this” in order to be saved, but rather, a response to having a relationship with God.  Could you imagine if everyone behaved as Ephesians 4:1-3 says in response to who they are in Christ?  What a loving, encouraging and united community this would be.

Stand

Ephesians 6

This section is pretty well known for the armor of God.

If you were raised in the church then at some point you probably heard about the Armor of God, saw a flannel graph depiction of it, or had someone come in dressed up as a Roman soldier as an example of the Armor of God.

Ephesians 6:10-18 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.  For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.  Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one;  and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God,  praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, 

I like how this section starts out as “Finally.”  To wrap up his letter to Ephesus, Paul tells them to be strong in the Lord and join the battle.  While we sit in what Christ has already done for us, leaving behind our baggage, we respond by walking worthy of the calling in response to Him and finally we join the battle.  We don’t just sit, and sit, and sit.  We are called to action using God’s strength.  Not our own.

That has been encouraging to me.   There is a lot of context in Ephesians and I know I’ve only really looked at some of what I have been encouraged in, but it is worth looking into on your own and reading.

Broken By Brokenness

I have repeatedly been broken by brokenness over the past month.  I have seen brokenness in society and responses made to social issues, political standpoints and national events as well as brokenness in individuals and daily struggles in life.  It can be hard to not let it cut me to the core.

It’s really easy to look at life through my own perspectives and how things impact me.  It’s easy to slip into the mindset of life being about me and my story rather than remembering that my life is really about God and God’s story.  It can be hard not to think of myself as the center of my life.  Responses to issues tend to be from a standpoint of how it impacts me or those around me.  What we are passionate about steers our responses. Really, it comes down to what my desires are in life.

I’ve been looking into some of what God says on desires and passions off and on over the past year.  It seems to be a topic that keeps coming up in my life.  Probably because when life doesn’t follow my own personal plan I always revisit why my plan is different from God’s, even if there isn’t a way to decipher it.    

One of the verses I have repeatedly come back to is one I have known, and somewhat skipped over, most of my life.

                Matthew 6:19-21 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

What are your treasures?  They are probably reflected in whatever your passions and desires are.  For some it will be appearance, money, possessions or even love.  Mine fall in the last category of love.  I focus on loving and caring for others a lot.  This could be family, friends, the desire to have my own family or even ministries.  I tend to arrange my life around others, because I enjoy others.  This is not a bad thing in and of itself, but it can be if it is my top treasure in life.  I can take this too far and care for people for the wrong reasons, like what I get out of something.  

What do you put importance on in your life? We all have desires in life that we long to fill.

When looking at what God says about our hearts I often find that it can be counter-cultural.  We hear constantly from society “Follow your heart,” “Go with your heart,” “What’s your heart telling you,” “Trust your heart.”  Our hearts are known for being the central way that we express emotion, “my heart is broken,” or “my heart is full.” And we associate our desires with our heart.

My struggle can be with my own heart.

Jeremiah 17:9 says “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it” or other versions call it “beyond cure” or “desperately wicked.”  So while I sometimes rely on my heart, God says I can’t even know it and it is deceitful.  In Proverbs the heart is referred to in three ways.  We are told to guide it, guard it and that it is foolish to follow it.  It seems that when God mentions the heart he mentions going to it and turning it back to Him.  Not going to it to seek answers.

This thought of our own hearts not being trustworthy may seem rough.  But it makes sense.  When we were originally created our desires were to be for Him.  After the fall occurred we now have sin that influences our desires and heart.  This comes from within us and it can be a constant battle to redirect the heart back to God.

Our desires may not be bad in and of themselves.  It is not bad to care and love for others.  It is not wrong to want money and be financially secure. The danger is when our heart is deceitful and tells us that some of these things are so good that we should base the importance of our lives around them.

When we place our desires above our desire for God, our desires can become an idol. Not an idol that you physically bow down to, but that your heart bows down to.

In Tim Keller’s book Counterfeit God he talks about rather than looking at what your dreams are to identify your idols look at what you have nightmares about.  What are you worried about losing or never having? What is that thing you long for most in life, or if you lost it, you would be depressed or not even want to go forward in life.  These could be good things, like a career, health or friends.  When we place value on these things above God, they become idols.

So what do we do? We know we have desires that long to be filled. We know we can’t trust our hearts, and that they trick us. We know that even though our desires may be for good things, they could be prioritized above God and end up as idols.  

It is hard to not be easily influenced by society.  We continually see political, social justice and other issues handled in a way that is frustrating, no matter what side of the issue we may fall on. Our society is changing so fast that it is hard to not get caught up in a level of panic when we should be turning to God.

After Jesus said that where your heart is there your treasure is he went on in verses 25-33 to say the following:

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

When I think of all the brokenness I see, and how it continues to break me, I have tried to focus on what God has said. God loves me, and it is by his grace that I can continually go to my heart and turn it towards Him.  When I know what is going on in my heart, and how deceitful it can be, then I know how to redirect it.  What happened during the fall was ultimately defeated by Jesus.

Jesus never promised that life would be easy and void of brokenness.  In fact, we are told the contrary many times over.  But with a grounded heart and continuing to look towards Him there can be a peace in the twisted and messed up times.

I’ve been loving the below verse lately.  I like it, because he is not promising desires in the sense of “life will go well” or “you’ll get this thing or person that you’ve always wanted.”  He is promising that if you delight in Him, then your desire will be for Him, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Him.

“Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37:4-6).

Testimony - Mostly Unedited

I was asked to share my testimony today in church.  I’ve spoken in front of people many times before, but never in a church setting with my own testimony.  What do I say? What do I edit out?  What am I allowed to say? How do I fit it all in 5 minutes? Will they all still like me if I share the real me?  Those were all questions that I pondered a few weeks before the Easter service that I was asked to share at.

I don’t have one strong overwhelming “come to Jesus” story, but rather a continual “come to Jesus” story.

I was born on a winter January night by C-section.  I’m told the Dr. nicked me on my backside with a knife which led me to cry for the first two years of my life.  I think my parents over-dramatized that part. 

I had a very stable and loving childhood, the fourth child of five if there is any psychology behind that.  I was raised in a pastor’s family and was home schooled.  Not only was I home schooled, but I was a smart bookworm and I was in a home school band.  I also had an eye patch for when I played games and read.  And I did the glamour popular sports…..like…Shot Put.  While I had plenty of opportunities to socialize with others and had lots of opportunities from being home schooled, I think it is safe to say that life was different than the average child. 

Looking back now I can see how foundation this time was in my life.  We were at church constantly, with mid-week Bible studies, children’s nights, youth nights, etc., etc., etc.  I learned a lot about God and since it was a small church I was part of many different activities in church (any event that occurred, child care, Sunday school, assisted in AWANA).  If it involved church, then I was the good stereotypical pastors’ daughter and was involved.   

Fast-forward a few years and most of my family ended up moving from Oregon to Washington.  My older siblings would be home off and on during the summer.  I was a smarty pants and ended up going to the local community college as a Junior in high school.  I didn’t really have any career goals at this point in life other than to get married and have a family someday.  I figured I would get my legal secretarial degree and work in an office until I got married.

Sometimes I look back and just laugh at the things I was so sure of and think how much fun God must have had changing things up on me and messing with MY plans.

I prayed for Christian friends because my new church and circle of people really didn’t have anyone my age in it.  I did meet a boy in college. Two boys actually.  I introduced them to each other and they formed a punk rock band which became its own adventure.  I gained some lifelong friends from this group.  I miss the days of loud music, late nights, eating bottomless fries at Red Robin because we couldn’t afford a whole meal, and also AOL Instant Messenger.

I ended up dating one of the boys for over a year.  We had theology differences and I realized just how stubborn I was in my beliefs and being raised Baptist, which lead to arguments, and me….quite frankly being an immature 19 year old and thinking I knew everything.  You learn a lot about yourself in a relationship.  When we broke up, my world crashed.  It probably didn’t help that he told me that he could never marry me, unintentionally leaving me feeling unlovable, inadequate and unable to breathe for quite some time and avoiding my close friends, who were also friends with him.

It was around this time that I started questioning God.  Not questioning his existence, but rather his love and who He was.  Isn’t life with God supposed to be perfect and peaceful?

At this time I began hanging out with a new group of friends that I worked with.  They were so accepting of me and my quirkiness and I was looking for acceptance from anyone and everyone.  I would tailor who I was depending on who I hung out with.  They often held weekend bonfires out in the country.  They liked to drink, a lot, but I wasn’t 21 yet and decided it would be wise to just hang out with them and be a good influence on them.  They also smoked marijuana, but that didn’t bother me, because I felt accepted with them.  After I turned 21 the opposite occurred and rather than being a good influence on them they influenced me.

I began living what can only be described as a double life.  During this time I still knew God, but it was not a healthy relationship.  I went through a time of committing what could only be described as “every sin in the book.”  I didn’t think I was turning away from God, because I still believed in Him, and I knew He would forgive me.   I still went to church and I still was involved in different ministries on weekends, yet rather than making God the center of my life and building a relationship with him, I continued to place my value on what other people thought of me.  Most of the time serving in the church during this time was because I thought it was the right thing to do, and what was expected, and again, made me feel valuable in the site of church people.  

I remember being so confused as a 21 year old.  I had a solid and committed group of Christian friends, and a solid committed group of Non-Christian friends.   

While I like to block out and not remember this time in my life, doing so would only edit out the grace that I feel from God and what He has done in my life. 

Once night driving some back country roads I remember looking at the stars and moon and mentally crying out to God and letting Him know that I didn’t know how to change.  I couldn’t change on my own, but I was so tired of trying to be liked by everyone and I didn’t know how to stop my spinning world. 

Within the next two minutes I was in a head on collision and hit by a drunk driver going 50 miles per an hour.  Ironically, there was a car 20 feet away that witnessed the accident and had a nurse in the front seat able to help while ambulances arrived.  I still remember my mom’s poor voice on the phone while I tried to tell her I was in an accident but not able to communicate anything further than that.  My car was completely totaled; I was severely injured with bruises and still have a few scars, but by the grace of God I was able to limp away from that accident without permanent repercussions.

They always say be careful what you pray for.  Being hit by a drunk driver was a definite wakeup call for me.  Quite frankly, it could have easily been me driving that car on an evening if I had misjudged how much alcohol had been consumed and my driving ability.

I moved to New York a year-ish or two later with a group of close friends.  You know the band ones with long hair and tattoos.  We actually went out there to not only explore the music scene but also to help out at a small church in the area.  The pastor of the church was one of my friend’s Deans at a high school boarding school known as “Hillcrest” in a small town in Fergus Falls, Minnesota.

The church we helped out in was a Lutheran Brethren church.  It was very different from my Baptist upbringing, but very similar in many ways.  I found myself wrestling with different theologies but loving the people, connections, and services. I slowly came to love the Lutheran Brethren theology after years of study and conversations and meeting a network of people who were truly connected as brothers and sisters in Christ.

Looking back now, I know this was a time of healing in my life.  I was only in NY for two years, but the faith and bonds that were formed there with my friends will last a lifetime.  I began to know what it was like to be accepted and loved for just being me, while not having to try and impress anyone.

Again, I wish I could say this was the end of the story and life went on happily ever after.

The reality is that God and I continued to wrestle.  I saw my friends over the years slowly getting married, and having children, and building families.  You see, God seemed to forget about me again.   I fell into cycle after cycle of liking a guy, maybe with a little Facebook stalking mixed in here and there, and then ultimately seeing them pick someone else to date and get married and start a family.  I would be heartbroken every time, without even having dated the guy.  I was falling into the same pattern of placing my value on other people.  They weren’t bad guys, they were great guys, that’s why I like them.  I’m sure every time I liked a boy, my close friends would panic, because it would mean they would hear about said boy for the next 6 months.  I would seek my identity in these guys, and alter who I was to be who I thought they wanted. 

After one boy in particular did not like me back I had enough.  I ended up yelling at God, as much as you can yell at God in your mind.  I told him that He didn’t know anything, He didn’t know what He was doing with my life and it wasn’t fair.  It wasn’t fair that I wasn’t loved.  I ended up emphatically telling God that He didn’t know what it was like not to be loved, and to be rejected…..

If I have ever outright heard God speak, then it was in this moment.  As soon as I’d thought I’d won my mental argument with God, He reminded me exactly who I was arguing with.  All the stories and head knowledge I had came back full force.  Within an instant God reminded me of how He created the world, perfect, with Adam and Eve and how He loved them and they chose something else.  I was reminded of Israel, and how they rejected God over and over and over, yet still He loved them and took them back every time.  I remembered how He sent Jesus, His only Son, to be our Savior, and how we killed him.  The religious leaders at the time even participated in his death.  I thought of the Church in general today, and how we do the same thing with sometimes compartmentalizing God into only Sunday’s.  And then God reminded me of myself.  Of how I have known Him my entire life, yet still was looking elsewhere for validation and seeking my identity in accomplishments and what others thought.  I myself was not truly loving God.

I dove into learning more about God and was so encouraged by what I read in the Bible.  The flannel graph stories I knew as a child were different, and more alive.  The people in them were broken, and not perfect, but sought God even in their imperfections.

God gave me a passion for serving Him because I love Him and not just because it is something to do.  I have been able to share heartaches and joys with other young adult women and teenagers who also struggle with identity and where they are in life, and where God is.

I used to wonder why God wasn’t doing anything with my life.  Now I can’t help but stop and look back and wonder how I had missed Him being there the whole time, and everything that he was doing.

I could go on and on about what God has done for me.  He has blessed me with an amazing job, with loving friends and family, with not only one church family but a network of church families.  There are a few verses I have clung onto over the years.   

Psalm 73:25-26

²⁵ Whom have I in heaven but you?
    And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
²⁶ My flesh and my heart may fail,
    but God is the strength of my heart
    and my portion forever.

And also:

1 Thessalonians 1:3

"We remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ."

I’m not perfect, and never will be, but I have peace because of God and try to serve him in my faith, prompted by love with an endurance that has been inspired by hope.