Broken By Brokenness

I have repeatedly been broken by brokenness over the past month.  I have seen brokenness in society and responses made to social issues, political standpoints and national events as well as brokenness in individuals and daily struggles in life.  It can be hard to not let it cut me to the core.

It’s really easy to look at life through my own perspectives and how things impact me.  It’s easy to slip into the mindset of life being about me and my story rather than remembering that my life is really about God and God’s story.  It can be hard not to think of myself as the center of my life.  Responses to issues tend to be from a standpoint of how it impacts me or those around me.  What we are passionate about steers our responses. Really, it comes down to what my desires are in life.

I’ve been looking into some of what God says on desires and passions off and on over the past year.  It seems to be a topic that keeps coming up in my life.  Probably because when life doesn’t follow my own personal plan I always revisit why my plan is different from God’s, even if there isn’t a way to decipher it.    

One of the verses I have repeatedly come back to is one I have known, and somewhat skipped over, most of my life.

                Matthew 6:19-21 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

What are your treasures?  They are probably reflected in whatever your passions and desires are.  For some it will be appearance, money, possessions or even love.  Mine fall in the last category of love.  I focus on loving and caring for others a lot.  This could be family, friends, the desire to have my own family or even ministries.  I tend to arrange my life around others, because I enjoy others.  This is not a bad thing in and of itself, but it can be if it is my top treasure in life.  I can take this too far and care for people for the wrong reasons, like what I get out of something.  

What do you put importance on in your life? We all have desires in life that we long to fill.

When looking at what God says about our hearts I often find that it can be counter-cultural.  We hear constantly from society “Follow your heart,” “Go with your heart,” “What’s your heart telling you,” “Trust your heart.”  Our hearts are known for being the central way that we express emotion, “my heart is broken,” or “my heart is full.” And we associate our desires with our heart.

My struggle can be with my own heart.

Jeremiah 17:9 says “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it” or other versions call it “beyond cure” or “desperately wicked.”  So while I sometimes rely on my heart, God says I can’t even know it and it is deceitful.  In Proverbs the heart is referred to in three ways.  We are told to guide it, guard it and that it is foolish to follow it.  It seems that when God mentions the heart he mentions going to it and turning it back to Him.  Not going to it to seek answers.

This thought of our own hearts not being trustworthy may seem rough.  But it makes sense.  When we were originally created our desires were to be for Him.  After the fall occurred we now have sin that influences our desires and heart.  This comes from within us and it can be a constant battle to redirect the heart back to God.

Our desires may not be bad in and of themselves.  It is not bad to care and love for others.  It is not wrong to want money and be financially secure. The danger is when our heart is deceitful and tells us that some of these things are so good that we should base the importance of our lives around them.

When we place our desires above our desire for God, our desires can become an idol. Not an idol that you physically bow down to, but that your heart bows down to.

In Tim Keller’s book Counterfeit God he talks about rather than looking at what your dreams are to identify your idols look at what you have nightmares about.  What are you worried about losing or never having? What is that thing you long for most in life, or if you lost it, you would be depressed or not even want to go forward in life.  These could be good things, like a career, health or friends.  When we place value on these things above God, they become idols.

So what do we do? We know we have desires that long to be filled. We know we can’t trust our hearts, and that they trick us. We know that even though our desires may be for good things, they could be prioritized above God and end up as idols.  

It is hard to not be easily influenced by society.  We continually see political, social justice and other issues handled in a way that is frustrating, no matter what side of the issue we may fall on. Our society is changing so fast that it is hard to not get caught up in a level of panic when we should be turning to God.

After Jesus said that where your heart is there your treasure is he went on in verses 25-33 to say the following:

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

When I think of all the brokenness I see, and how it continues to break me, I have tried to focus on what God has said. God loves me, and it is by his grace that I can continually go to my heart and turn it towards Him.  When I know what is going on in my heart, and how deceitful it can be, then I know how to redirect it.  What happened during the fall was ultimately defeated by Jesus.

Jesus never promised that life would be easy and void of brokenness.  In fact, we are told the contrary many times over.  But with a grounded heart and continuing to look towards Him there can be a peace in the twisted and messed up times.

I’ve been loving the below verse lately.  I like it, because he is not promising desires in the sense of “life will go well” or “you’ll get this thing or person that you’ve always wanted.”  He is promising that if you delight in Him, then your desire will be for Him, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Him.

“Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37:4-6).

Testimony - Mostly Unedited

I was asked to share my testimony today in church.  I’ve spoken in front of people many times before, but never in a church setting with my own testimony.  What do I say? What do I edit out?  What am I allowed to say? How do I fit it all in 5 minutes? Will they all still like me if I share the real me?  Those were all questions that I pondered a few weeks before the Easter service that I was asked to share at.

I don’t have one strong overwhelming “come to Jesus” story, but rather a continual “come to Jesus” story.

I was born on a winter January night by C-section.  I’m told the Dr. nicked me on my backside with a knife which led me to cry for the first two years of my life.  I think my parents over-dramatized that part. 

I had a very stable and loving childhood, the fourth child of five if there is any psychology behind that.  I was raised in a pastor’s family and was home schooled.  Not only was I home schooled, but I was a smart bookworm and I was in a home school band.  I also had an eye patch for when I played games and read.  And I did the glamour popular sports…..like…Shot Put.  While I had plenty of opportunities to socialize with others and had lots of opportunities from being home schooled, I think it is safe to say that life was different than the average child. 

Looking back now I can see how foundation this time was in my life.  We were at church constantly, with mid-week Bible studies, children’s nights, youth nights, etc., etc., etc.  I learned a lot about God and since it was a small church I was part of many different activities in church (any event that occurred, child care, Sunday school, assisted in AWANA).  If it involved church, then I was the good stereotypical pastors’ daughter and was involved.   

Fast-forward a few years and most of my family ended up moving from Oregon to Washington.  My older siblings would be home off and on during the summer.  I was a smarty pants and ended up going to the local community college as a Junior in high school.  I didn’t really have any career goals at this point in life other than to get married and have a family someday.  I figured I would get my legal secretarial degree and work in an office until I got married.

Sometimes I look back and just laugh at the things I was so sure of and think how much fun God must have had changing things up on me and messing with MY plans.

I prayed for Christian friends because my new church and circle of people really didn’t have anyone my age in it.  I did meet a boy in college. Two boys actually.  I introduced them to each other and they formed a punk rock band which became its own adventure.  I gained some lifelong friends from this group.  I miss the days of loud music, late nights, eating bottomless fries at Red Robin because we couldn’t afford a whole meal, and also AOL Instant Messenger.

I ended up dating one of the boys for over a year.  We had theology differences and I realized just how stubborn I was in my beliefs and being raised Baptist, which lead to arguments, and me….quite frankly being an immature 19 year old and thinking I knew everything.  You learn a lot about yourself in a relationship.  When we broke up, my world crashed.  It probably didn’t help that he told me that he could never marry me, unintentionally leaving me feeling unlovable, inadequate and unable to breathe for quite some time and avoiding my close friends, who were also friends with him.

It was around this time that I started questioning God.  Not questioning his existence, but rather his love and who He was.  Isn’t life with God supposed to be perfect and peaceful?

At this time I began hanging out with a new group of friends that I worked with.  They were so accepting of me and my quirkiness and I was looking for acceptance from anyone and everyone.  I would tailor who I was depending on who I hung out with.  They often held weekend bonfires out in the country.  They liked to drink, a lot, but I wasn’t 21 yet and decided it would be wise to just hang out with them and be a good influence on them.  They also smoked marijuana, but that didn’t bother me, because I felt accepted with them.  After I turned 21 the opposite occurred and rather than being a good influence on them they influenced me.

I began living what can only be described as a double life.  During this time I still knew God, but it was not a healthy relationship.  I went through a time of committing what could only be described as “every sin in the book.”  I didn’t think I was turning away from God, because I still believed in Him, and I knew He would forgive me.   I still went to church and I still was involved in different ministries on weekends, yet rather than making God the center of my life and building a relationship with him, I continued to place my value on what other people thought of me.  Most of the time serving in the church during this time was because I thought it was the right thing to do, and what was expected, and again, made me feel valuable in the site of church people.  

I remember being so confused as a 21 year old.  I had a solid and committed group of Christian friends, and a solid committed group of Non-Christian friends.   

While I like to block out and not remember this time in my life, doing so would only edit out the grace that I feel from God and what He has done in my life. 

Once night driving some back country roads I remember looking at the stars and moon and mentally crying out to God and letting Him know that I didn’t know how to change.  I couldn’t change on my own, but I was so tired of trying to be liked by everyone and I didn’t know how to stop my spinning world. 

Within the next two minutes I was in a head on collision and hit by a drunk driver going 50 miles per an hour.  Ironically, there was a car 20 feet away that witnessed the accident and had a nurse in the front seat able to help while ambulances arrived.  I still remember my mom’s poor voice on the phone while I tried to tell her I was in an accident but not able to communicate anything further than that.  My car was completely totaled; I was severely injured with bruises and still have a few scars, but by the grace of God I was able to limp away from that accident without permanent repercussions.

They always say be careful what you pray for.  Being hit by a drunk driver was a definite wakeup call for me.  Quite frankly, it could have easily been me driving that car on an evening if I had misjudged how much alcohol had been consumed and my driving ability.

I moved to New York a year-ish or two later with a group of close friends.  You know the band ones with long hair and tattoos.  We actually went out there to not only explore the music scene but also to help out at a small church in the area.  The pastor of the church was one of my friend’s Deans at a high school boarding school known as “Hillcrest” in a small town in Fergus Falls, Minnesota.

The church we helped out in was a Lutheran Brethren church.  It was very different from my Baptist upbringing, but very similar in many ways.  I found myself wrestling with different theologies but loving the people, connections, and services. I slowly came to love the Lutheran Brethren theology after years of study and conversations and meeting a network of people who were truly connected as brothers and sisters in Christ.

Looking back now, I know this was a time of healing in my life.  I was only in NY for two years, but the faith and bonds that were formed there with my friends will last a lifetime.  I began to know what it was like to be accepted and loved for just being me, while not having to try and impress anyone.

Again, I wish I could say this was the end of the story and life went on happily ever after.

The reality is that God and I continued to wrestle.  I saw my friends over the years slowly getting married, and having children, and building families.  You see, God seemed to forget about me again.   I fell into cycle after cycle of liking a guy, maybe with a little Facebook stalking mixed in here and there, and then ultimately seeing them pick someone else to date and get married and start a family.  I would be heartbroken every time, without even having dated the guy.  I was falling into the same pattern of placing my value on other people.  They weren’t bad guys, they were great guys, that’s why I like them.  I’m sure every time I liked a boy, my close friends would panic, because it would mean they would hear about said boy for the next 6 months.  I would seek my identity in these guys, and alter who I was to be who I thought they wanted. 

After one boy in particular did not like me back I had enough.  I ended up yelling at God, as much as you can yell at God in your mind.  I told him that He didn’t know anything, He didn’t know what He was doing with my life and it wasn’t fair.  It wasn’t fair that I wasn’t loved.  I ended up emphatically telling God that He didn’t know what it was like not to be loved, and to be rejected…..

If I have ever outright heard God speak, then it was in this moment.  As soon as I’d thought I’d won my mental argument with God, He reminded me exactly who I was arguing with.  All the stories and head knowledge I had came back full force.  Within an instant God reminded me of how He created the world, perfect, with Adam and Eve and how He loved them and they chose something else.  I was reminded of Israel, and how they rejected God over and over and over, yet still He loved them and took them back every time.  I remembered how He sent Jesus, His only Son, to be our Savior, and how we killed him.  The religious leaders at the time even participated in his death.  I thought of the Church in general today, and how we do the same thing with sometimes compartmentalizing God into only Sunday’s.  And then God reminded me of myself.  Of how I have known Him my entire life, yet still was looking elsewhere for validation and seeking my identity in accomplishments and what others thought.  I myself was not truly loving God.

I dove into learning more about God and was so encouraged by what I read in the Bible.  The flannel graph stories I knew as a child were different, and more alive.  The people in them were broken, and not perfect, but sought God even in their imperfections.

God gave me a passion for serving Him because I love Him and not just because it is something to do.  I have been able to share heartaches and joys with other young adult women and teenagers who also struggle with identity and where they are in life, and where God is.

I used to wonder why God wasn’t doing anything with my life.  Now I can’t help but stop and look back and wonder how I had missed Him being there the whole time, and everything that he was doing.

I could go on and on about what God has done for me.  He has blessed me with an amazing job, with loving friends and family, with not only one church family but a network of church families.  There are a few verses I have clung onto over the years.   

Psalm 73:25-26

²⁵ Whom have I in heaven but you?
    And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
²⁶ My flesh and my heart may fail,
    but God is the strength of my heart
    and my portion forever.

And also:

1 Thessalonians 1:3

"We remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ."

I’m not perfect, and never will be, but I have peace because of God and try to serve him in my faith, prompted by love with an endurance that has been inspired by hope. 

Ten years and Counting--- Surviving being a Single Woman

With coming up on almost 10 years of being single, and in honor of Valentines Day, I have drafted a quick list (and by quick I mean 52 things) of what I have learned, or wish I had learned earlier in order to survive being single.  I was going to make a short list but apparently I have learned more than 10 things in the past 10 years. 

Embrace Independence

1.      Be young and free while you can.  Move across the country with a band.  Sleep in a Walmart parking lot on a road trip, preferably under the stars and not in a car.  After surviving this, you will be able to do anything.

2.      Use every car ride when you are alone as an opportunity to brush up on karaoke.  Travel often in order to just sing along with your playlist.  Don’t worry; the other drivers aren’t looking at you, they are just jealous of your mad singing skills. 

3.       Use hip phrases all the time, like “mad singing skills.”

4.       Learn to cook and cook well! Take the time to cook dinner and treat yourself to nice food. Either it A) Won’t hurt your chances in finding a significant other, or B) You’ll at least be eating good food while alone! Or invite friends to share.

6.       Go organic.  Planning meals is hard, going organic is harder, but it is worth it in the long run and very satisfying in the grocery store line.

7.       When sick……forget cooking organically and eat Scooby Doo macaroni.  It’s okay.

8.      Work hard at work.  When you are there, try hard, develop skills you will use the rest of your life and in other areas of life.

9.      Play hard.  Forget everything at work and relax.  Separate your career and down time.  Don’t let either one fully dictate your life.  A job is just a job, and a hobby is just a hobby.

10.   Know your passions and follow them.

11.   Be independent.  You must be in order to survive as a single female so embrace it.

12.   Don’t be too independent, guys are intimidated by this.  Go for the guy who this does not intimidate and values this in you.  Respect him in return.

Friends

13.   Have friends who have long beards.  This will help bring a sense of security to the long road trips where you end up stuck in Walmart parking lots overnight.  Others will be scared of you rather than you of them.

14.   Take time to develop friendships.  Deepen relationships with your girlfriends and make sure to have girl nights.  Go out on the town with the girls or stay in and watch movies. PS I Love you and a box of tissues is a great option. 

15.   Hang out with married friends.  See what a relationship is REALLY like.  Each relationship will show you how different every one is and how hard a relationship must be worked on.

16.   Family is important.  Cherish relationships with parents and siblings.

17.   Kids. Play with nieces, nephews and godsons when they are around.  They are only young for so long and unless you plan on being married, they may be the only ones around for quite some time.  Give hugs, teach them how to blow kisses, and make farting noises on their belly buttons.  It never gets old.

18.   Start dance parties with toddlers.  They are the BEST dancers.  Make sure you tell them they are the best as often as possible! 

Feelings

19.   Feel emotions and feel them deeply.  Have your heart broken, but love anyways, even if he doesn’t know you exist. Know that no matter what, it will all be okay.

20.   Love is awful!  Make “F” you Fudge when he decides not to love you.  Do so while baking Christmas cookies with the girls and make sure to cry hysterically and try to cover it.  Salty tears make the best cookies.

21.   Love is great!  Always hope for love and never give up, even if you don't find someone. Get over the men who didn’t work out.  It wasn’t meant to be.  Suppress any emotions when liking a guy who does not like you in return.  It’s not worth it.  Don’t change to be something you think they want rather than who you are.

22.   Get very angry at God for not knowing best who you should be with, even though you have told Him repeatedly.  This goes over really well…..or not.  Realize after arguing with God, that He really does know best.  After this argument you will be able to move forward in life confidently. Be continually thankful that these relationships did NOT work out.  Thank God He knows best!

23.   Being single is awful when you think you know who you should be with.  Especially if it happens a couple different times.  Trust that God knows better than you.  It develops a strength that is incomparable to anything else.

24.   Be thankful you are single.  Mourn that you are single.  Know that when you are married you will probably do the same about being married!

25.   Kiss men only worth kissing.  Toads don’t REALLY make princes. 

26.   Respect men.  Being an independent woman does not mean you “Do what you want”.  Give men the respect they deserve, just as much as you desire to be treated like a lady.

27.   Appreciate being treated like a lady.  It’s rare and if it is not encouraged then men will forget how to do it.  Stop dreaming of Disney princesses while proclaiming feminism.  It sends mixed signals.

28.   Say yes to dates when asked.  Give men chances to woo you.  If you overanalyze how the relationship would go you may miss out on a really good thing.

29.   Don’t say yes to dates if you know that it will never ever go anywhere.  Save yourself the heartaches.

30.   Sometimes, single is better than being in the wrong relationship.

31.   Love when you’re ready not when you’re lonely.  Knowing how to be alone is a key part of knowing how to love.  Not everyone who is single is lonely, and not everyone in a relationship is happy. Fill loneliness with friends and getting to know other people.  Develop social skills. 

32.   Maybe happy endings don’t end with a guy.  And that is okay.  Life is a continual journey, never get to the point where you think you are at your happy ending, or you’ll become stagnant.  A happy ending will involve dying, and meeting God face to face.

33.   Don’t become a jaded female against men. Earn a man’s respect; they deserve it most of the time and it is much more attractive then placing other men’s faults on them.

34.   God doesn’t guarantee a husband and family, in fact, sometimes, it is just the opposite and He will use you in your singleness.  Do not waste the single years longing for something and waiting for life to start.  Start your life long before a relationship starts and know who you are.

Beauty

35.   Know what real beauty is.  Be intelligent, be yourself, and be real. 

36.   Come to terms with the fact that you will always see airbrushed magazines of skinny models that don’t really look like that in real life.  Real, breathing, confident women, will always be more attractive.

Life

37.   Give back to others.  Financially, volunteering, and in any way you can.  Don’t take anything for granted. Enjoy life and giving to others when able.

38.   Read.  Read books on spirituality, being single, being married, inspirational books, depressing books, mysteries, biographies.  Read a lot, and learn to form your own opinion rather than relying on others or authors.  Develop critical thinking.  Know your core beliefs in order to build on them.

39.   Read inspirational quotes.  They’re inspirational.

40.   Don’t read inspirational quotes that may be false, such as popular ones like: “I’m Single: Because God is writing the best love story for me.” Sometimes, God is doing much more than that.

41.   Say what you mean to say.  Give good advice when people ask for it and be known for giving sound advice.

42.   Don’t give advice!  Sometimes, you are wrong.  Sometimes, others are not ready to hear advice when they ask and it is better for them to discover it for themselves.  Ask leading questions so that they figure it out on their own. Decipher if they really want advice, or just a listening ear.  There is a difference.

43.   Overanalyze and always improve.

44.   Don’t overanalyze.  Just do Something!  If you overanalyze too much you will never do anything.

45.   Never leave the house in sweats.  You never know when you will meet an amazing man or a nemesis. 

46.   Don’t have a nemesis.

47.   If you’re lucky enough to be different, don’t ever change.

48.   Try new things.  Learn things from YouTube! Sew an apron, learn how to use nunchucks, learn how to decorate cakes, learn how to do the weird things in life that everyone secretly wishes they knew how to do.  Don’t tell people you know how to do them and then bust out the talents when least expected.

49.   Go new places and travel.  Go hiking through caves, boating, camping, try new restaurants and order something you wouldn’t make yourself. 

50.   You will never know what life has in store, and cannot make a list of dos and don’ts.  Every day is different.  Some things that are dos at one time in life, are don’ts at other times.  Never make a list of things you have learned for others and then blog about it.  You may not be right on everything, or they could be misinterpreted.

51. Being single isn't something to just "survive", just as much as being married isn't something to just "survive".  Embrace life, work on it, and make the best out of whatever relationship status you are in.

52.   Love God as much as possible.  Don't worry about the "Date God" or "Married to God" spiritual fads that go around. Learn about Him and who He really is.  Realize that nothing else in life is important other than knowing Him.  Develop a strong relationship with Him and come what may, married or unmarried, life will go on and will be better either way.  Ignore the rest of the above list.