Divorcing God: Bitterness and Disappointment

I recently finished filling out my red journal where I write down sermon notes, prayers, conversations with God, verses and poems/lyrics that I enjoy.  In the past it has taken me three to four years to fill out a journal but this one only took a little over a year.  So of course I went out and bought a brand new journal which I love doing once one is completed.  Even more so than getting a new journal, I like to go back and read through my journal to remind myself what I have been through and what God has taught and shown me.

This past year and a half has by far been the most soul searching year I have ever gone through.  There have been so many ups and downs and confusion and clarity all jumbled together that I don’t know if I will ever be able to look back and fully understand how much just this last year has impacted the rest of my life.
 

One thing that is always refreshing to see in my journal entries is that no matter what emotion I am going through pain/happiness/grief/feeling loved etc….God remains faithfully the same and is continually the center of what I want my life to reflect.


I’ve been through a lot of pain, bitterness and disappointment this past year.  Through the pain of friends moving, two grandmothers passing away, rejected relationships, life changing health diagnosis that sucks…etc.  But there have also been amazing blessings as well, God has provided me with an AMAZING job, I have friends that are awesome, I have been realizing how great my family is even if we are a little crazy, I have met some great ladies to be friends with in the area, I have been truly blessed by being able to be involved in different ministries with youth…I could keep going on and on.  Even more overwhelmingly so this year I have felt God’s presence in my life more than I ever have before.  I’ve had yelling matches with Him, quality time, been shown amazing things about myself and how He sees me as well as others, been bitter at Him for having a different plan for my life than my own; and have fallen in love with Him all over again. 


Over the past few months I have heard multiple sermons, read books, and even had conversations that keep highlighting the same topic:  Disappointment in God.  I haven’t purposefully been trying to focus on this subject and I don’t know that a few months ago I would’ve said that I was disappointed in God.  For sure there are things in my life that I wish were different but saying I am disappointed in God sounds just wrong to me.  


It’s true though.  In fact, it’s very easy to be disappointed in God; which easily turns to bitterness.  Far too often it is easy to think of God as a genie in a lamp in a way.  That if I just pray for His will then he will give me my desires. It is a nice thought to think of God giving us what we desire because He loves us.  I have realized over and over though that this is not the case.  I may desire something that is good, but this doesn’t mean it is God’s plan for me, or that it is good for me at this time in my life, He knows better than me.


Take my love life for example.  It is so easy to continually ask God for a strong Christian husband.  I know that if God ever does (or when he does) answer that prayer than I will make a great wife and mother.  Heck, I know how to sew, make homemade laundry soap, can some food, and am a decent cook, so that all has to count for something!  It is easy to wonder what in the world is wrong with me that no guy likes me and to become bitter.  But then…what guy in his right mind would want a bitter girl?  This is where I have had to realize that I am okay.  It is so easy to focus on the one and only area that I’m not necessarily satisfied in my life with that I can overlook how God has amazingly blessed every other area of my life.  He has provided me with an amazing job, family, friends that love me, a ministry to be involved with that I love doing and I could go on and on with the blessings.  It makes me wonder why I can’t be content and just happy to be single.  Even scarier…I’m starting to be okay and enjoy being single and I don’t want to be, because quite frankly I don’t want to be called to a life of singleness.    


I just finished reading a book called “Angry Conversations with God” by Susan Isaacs.  It’s a memoire where the writer takes a humorous approach and takes God to marriage counseling because their relationship is messed up.  It’s actually a pretty good book to read. Long story short her life does not go as she wants it to at all, she continually tries to follow God but feels like she gets shafted at every turn with her career and love life.  Her conversations with God in her “counseling sessions” end up with her realizing she and God need a divorce.  Long story short she realizes that she has been viewing God from jaded glasses in a way.  When she viewed God as a father she put her own relationship with her father on God.  When she viewed herself in a relationship with Jesus she put all her past experiences in men/disappointment on that relationship.  Anyways, you get the point.  She ended up divorcing God because she realized she didn’t know Him as who he really is.  She had to learn who God really was rather than viewing Him as what had been portrayed to her by other Christians who had hurt her and her own failed human relationships.


I don’t need to divorce God.  I do think it is an interesting concept of how we can view God differently than He may actually be though.


I’ve started praying differently lately.  Instead of asking God to fulfill my desires (while of course tacking on asking that His will be done), I’ve been praying that He would change my desires to be His desires.  I can clearly see how God has used my singleness over the past years to not only be able to minister to others but also teach me different lessons.  Instead of continually focusing on what I would like different in my life, I pray that God can use me where I’m at.  Because if I am single until I’m 90 I don’t want to look back and think that I was bitter for 70 years about being single!  Instead I’d rather look back and be able to say that I embraced the singleness that God planned for me and that my life clearly reflected Him through being single.

Camp

I had the best week at Bible camp this last week.  I didn’t get to have my own cabin this year and be with a group of girls which I actually missed; but I was in charge of a couple cabins and was able to hang out and get to know a lot of the young girls and counselors from them.  I really enjoyed the new duties this year. 

What I didn’t expect was for camp to be challenging and encouraging all at the same time. This year I was speaking at a workshop for girls.  I was terrified and what I was speaking on is in my opinion one of my greatest weaknesses making me feel a little inadequate to speak on it. There was so much information to give these girls that if I had learned years ago would have saved me a lot of heartache, but a friend pointed out that it’s better to point them in the right direction and try to model it rather than just give them info.  

It amazes me how God works.  I had decided to condense my workshop down and really just talk to the girls and be real with them.  The workshop was supposed to be on Thursday, and due to some scheduling changes we ended up not doing any of the workshops until Saturday.  Between Thursday and Saturday the main speakers at the camp covered a lot of the other topics I thought would be crucial for the girls to hear but didn’t think would be wise to fit it all in one workshop.  I was so amazed, but shouldn’t have been.  I know that God works things out like that.  And the girls didn’t need to hear it from me, they needed to hear it from whatever venue God chose to speak to them from.  It was inspiring to see so many people giving up their time and energy and being used by God.  

It was encouraging to see the worship band be there and not only lead worship but interact with the kids during the week.  There were morning activities, evening games, and videos that were a success due to a lot of hard unacknowledged time and work spent by some amazing men and women.  What was most encouraging was seeing the kids.  I love spending time talking with girls about everything under the sun.  I loved seeing the ones that are generally closed off open up and be more outgoing.  I loved seeing the older counselor girls relating with the kids. I love seeing God’s people, united and serving Him and each other.  It was a pretty encouraging week.

Messy Love

I came across this video a while ago and the song has been stuck in my head this morning so I looked it up again.  I really like the song, but I always thought it was a little simplistic. It sings about how God loves us. But I don’t think God’s love is quite as simplistic as we tend to generalize it.  It is extremely easy to brush over the phrases “God is love” or “God loves you” or on and on, probably because I’ve heard them for my entire life.  There are times when I can comprehend God’s love for me more than other times.  Normally it is when I have gone through something that has hurt me emotionally or made me question life in its entirety.  I experienced this last summer.  I was so sure my life was going to go one direction and it suddenly went a completely different way.

It of course had to do with being interested in a guy who ended up liking someone else.  I think if a guy ever wants to get married he should just have me like them; men seem to meet the one they are going to marry as soon as I get emotionally attached.  I remember mentally yelling at God during this time and basically telling him He didn’t know what it was like to intensely like someone so much and have them not return the feelings. 

Oops. I instantly felt like he was yelling right back at me and reminding me of generations of people who have not loved him back.  There was the first time with Adam and Eve, then the Israelites who were his people that he did more for than I could ever mention in this post, and they turned away from him over and over again….then the people Jesus physically preached to who rejected, beat, and killed him, and then there is us.  Even as Christians it is hard to grasp God’s love.  We try to not conform to those around us, but can end up instead trying to follow too many rules and come across as trying to be better than everyone and judgmental, and because it is impossible to be perfect we can come across as hypocritical.  Instead of trying to follow all of these rules it is just love that God wants from us.  The rest falls in place naturally after that.  I don’t mean just regular love.  When you love God more than anything then you want to love the people he loves.  Us messy, sloppy, problematic humans.  You see others as God sees them and want to love them to the point of putting their needs in front of yours, and not just the easy people to love.  Lastly God reminded me of how often I have turned away and He’s been there for me.  I have definitely done my share of sins and hypocrisy and now continually thank Him for grace and know that I could never be good enough on my own.

 I really like in the clip below how the writer of the song talks about the love in this song being meant as a love that is willing to love something messy, gross, and difficult.  It is easy to love things that are pretty and clean and hard to love the messy.

 

Home Brewed Laundry Soap

A few months ago I found a recipe online to make your own laundry soap.  At first I was skeptical about it working but wanted to try it.  The best part is that it is costing me less than $1.00 to make 2 gallons worth of laundry soap, and it lasted me four months.  Great savings compared to buying it in stores!!!  It works well so far...I'm wondering if it doesn't keep my clothes as bright or my white clothes super white...but it's cheap and makes me feel a little domestic.

I decided to share the recipe in case anyone wants to venture trying it.  I'm not sure how it works for people with sensitive skin (there's my disclaimer!).  Have fun!!!

Ingredients:

The Soap:  One whole bar of Ivory Soap. 

Washing Soda: Not the same thing as baking soda!! Washing soda is a white powder and its purpose is to help remove dirt and orders. I found an Arm & Hammer Washing Soda in the laundry section at Fred Meyer.  I couldn't find it anywhere else but I've heard it is relatively easy to find.

Borax: Also a white powder in the laundry section.  It’s purpose is as a laundry whitener and deodorizer. The brand I found is 20 Mule Team.  

1.    Grate the soap and put it in a sauce pan.  Add 6 cups water and heat it up until the soap melts.

2.     Add the washing soda and the borax and stir until it is dissolved.  Remove from heat.

3.    Pour 4 cups hot water into a 2 gallon bucket. 

4.    Add the soap mixture and stir.

5.    Add 1 gallon plus 6 cups of water and stir.

6.   Let the soap sit for 24 hours and it will gel.  Use about 1/2 cup per load of laundry.


The finished soap is not a solid gel and looks more watery, like egg noodle soup.....

It is a low sudsing soap so if there are no suds in the washing machine that is ok!!  It is the ingredients that cleans the clothes not the suds...I hope.

And also....if you want your soap to have some sort of scent you can add 1/2 to 1 oz of essential oil or fragrance oil of your choice!! I have not tried this part yet, but it is supposed to work.

So there you have it.....cheap, home made laundry soap...it cleans and you can choose your scent. Stay clean!

Financial Management and Buying Goats

Sometimes I think too much.  Sometimes I even think about how I think too much, and I analyze everything.  Sometimes it is good and other times it is really draining. See….now I’m analyzing if it is good or bad that I analyze everything I think about….

This is why I journal or sometimes write; to get it all out of my head or it gets lost who knows where.  My latest thoughts have been an accumulation of different books or things that have come to my attention and trying to process them all.  They all have seemed to go in the same direction though which has had me contemplating our hope, loving others, and really wanting to make a difference in peoples lives. 

I read a book called “Outlive Your Life” by Max Lucado.  Well worth the read.  Basically it talks about how we are average people living regular lives (work, jobs, school) and how we can wonder if God can use people like us.  It addresses the staggering figures of the poor, the hungry, and the lonely.  And how we can help bring hope to the poor and hungry, and just love them. It makes me want to be part of something bigger than being a secretary.  It also made me realize how much I have compared to other parts of the world.  I guess I have always known this, but quite frankly never really thought about it much.

I realized how easy it is to waste money.  I grew up in a pastor’s family with five kids, so we were definitely not well off.  But I never thought of us as poor and compared to others I suppose we were; yet so much richer than a lot of others.  It was a good childhood.  I then moved to NY where I had a really good job and quite frankly did not have to really worry about money.  I could buy whatever groceries I wanted and not have to worry about budgeting for it, I could take friends out for dinners whenever I wanted, I literally went out to lunch every day with co-workers, and I shopped….all the time.  When all my clothes were dirty and I didn’t feel like going to the laundry mat, I just went shopping.  Kinda sickens me now looking back.

I have gotten a lot more conscientious about what I spend my money on now.  I have a strict budge that I either love or hate Dave Ramsey for; I haven’t decided yet! I’ve really been trying to evaluate where my money goes and how I spend it.  Quite frankly a lot of it just goes to apartment bills now….but after being extremely dedicated and making higher payments for a few months now, my car is now paid off!!! It is really exciting but I think I was expecting to feel more excited than I did…because now I have to pay down a little bit of credit card that may take about a year.

It’s been really convicting and a challenge to learn how to prioritize my finances.  And now it has been convicting to try to figure out a way to give to those less fortunate and make a difference by loving people.  There are some amazing organizations out there that I would love to be able to give to.  Organizations that help give water to people in Africa for a year for only one dollar.  ONE DOLLAR!....and then there are some that you can purchase goats and chickens for families to be able to support themselves by selling eggs and milk and cheese at markets.  I probably could have bought three goats for the price of one of my shopping trips that I went on when living in NY.  But even more so I want to be involved in people’s lives and just care about them.  I sometimes wonder what I could even do for others.  But I do know that I have had people in my life who have always been there to encourage, talk, and love me when I feel like my life is nothing like I thought it would be or am tempted to mope.  Maybe following their lead and just reaching out to others is a start…..and instead of binge shopping, I’ll be more intentional with what I buy and maybe have some additional money for some goats that way.

Strengths and Weaknesses

We were given this book to read through and take an assessment on at work a few months ago.  It was called Strength Finders 2.0 and had some interesting concepts.  Basically it talked about how a lot of people know their weaknesses and focus on working to change their weaknesses, but it may be better to work on and grow your strengths instead.

At first I was a little skeptical because I want to work on my weaknesses and feel like I can change things and accomplish something.  That being said…..once I took the assessment I may be changing my mind.  It wasn’t a test assessment as much as it gave you the top five strengths that you are (in the book’s opinion).  The book actually had quite a few strengths listed in it making it so each person’s assessment is unique….it is definitely interesting to take.  

So we received these certificates that listed our top five strengths and a definition of them.  The actual book goes more into detail with how to interact with each other and their strengths and some other good stuff I won’t give away.  What I have discovered once taking the assessment and going over my list of top five strengths is that I actually ENJOY these things that are listed as strengths as well.  

Maybe I wouldn’t have listed them as my strengths, in fact some of them I know that I can be gifted at but they can be scary so I tend to avoid them while knowing I could do well at them (maybe that is a confidence weakness).  So instead of working super hard on my weaknesses and getting frustrated and wanting to improve I have been trying to focus on my strengths and enjoying it.  This does not mean that I am ignoring my weaknesses completely, if anything hopefully deepening my confidence in the strengths I enjoy will not only reduce some of my weaknesses but I will learn how to figure out how I can be most effective in work, ministry, etc…  

Not that these are my only strengths or even that I’m super good at them or anything…. I think they play out in different ways but here are the top five strengths the assessment gave me and that I have been trying somewhat to focus on over the past little bit.

Belief:  We have certain core values that are unchanging. Out of these values emerges a defined purpose for our life.

Individualization: We are intrigued with the unique qualities of each person.  We have a gift for figuring out how people who are different can work together productively.  

Connectedness: We have faith in the links between all things.  We believe there are few coincidences and that almost every event has a reason.

Responsibility: We take psychological ownership of what we say we will do.  We are committed to stable values such as honesty and loyalty.

Developer: We recognize and cultivate the potential in others.  We spot the signs of each small improvement and derive satisfaction from these improvements.

So yeah…I’m not necessarily planning my life around these strengths or anything, but it has been interesting to approach things from a perspective of how fit into my weaknesses or strengths.

Chunky Bunny Socks

I received a really cute pair of Easter socks this year in a gift basket.  I do enjoy some good socks.  These socks were hot pink with a cute little bunny on them. Of course I decided to put them on as soon as I had the option to because they are amazing. When I pulled the socks onto my feet the cute little bunny picture on the socks expanded into a chunky godzilla bunny once on my ankle!!

I knew that I had a larger foot size than the average girl, but I never thought of my ankle being able to expand the pictures on the socks before!  It makes me wonder if my scottie dog socks are supposed to have smaller scottie pictures on them....or maybe my polka dot ones are supposed to be smaller dots!  In fact, I bet this is the reason I can never find small striped socks, the stripes probably expand on my huge feet! Just kidding, I don't think I have fat feet....but the bunny did instantly go from thin and petite bunny to chunky bunny once on my ankle.........