Ten years and Counting--- Surviving being a Single Woman

With coming up on almost 10 years of being single, and in honor of Valentines Day, I have drafted a quick list (and by quick I mean 52 things) of what I have learned, or wish I had learned earlier in order to survive being single.  I was going to make a short list but apparently I have learned more than 10 things in the past 10 years. 

Embrace Independence

1.      Be young and free while you can.  Move across the country with a band.  Sleep in a Walmart parking lot on a road trip, preferably under the stars and not in a car.  After surviving this, you will be able to do anything.

2.      Use every car ride when you are alone as an opportunity to brush up on karaoke.  Travel often in order to just sing along with your playlist.  Don’t worry; the other drivers aren’t looking at you, they are just jealous of your mad singing skills. 

3.       Use hip phrases all the time, like “mad singing skills.”

4.       Learn to cook and cook well! Take the time to cook dinner and treat yourself to nice food. Either it A) Won’t hurt your chances in finding a significant other, or B) You’ll at least be eating good food while alone! Or invite friends to share.

6.       Go organic.  Planning meals is hard, going organic is harder, but it is worth it in the long run and very satisfying in the grocery store line.

7.       When sick……forget cooking organically and eat Scooby Doo macaroni.  It’s okay.

8.      Work hard at work.  When you are there, try hard, develop skills you will use the rest of your life and in other areas of life.

9.      Play hard.  Forget everything at work and relax.  Separate your career and down time.  Don’t let either one fully dictate your life.  A job is just a job, and a hobby is just a hobby.

10.   Know your passions and follow them.

11.   Be independent.  You must be in order to survive as a single female so embrace it.

12.   Don’t be too independent, guys are intimidated by this.  Go for the guy who this does not intimidate and values this in you.  Respect him in return.

Friends

13.   Have friends who have long beards.  This will help bring a sense of security to the long road trips where you end up stuck in Walmart parking lots overnight.  Others will be scared of you rather than you of them.

14.   Take time to develop friendships.  Deepen relationships with your girlfriends and make sure to have girl nights.  Go out on the town with the girls or stay in and watch movies. PS I Love you and a box of tissues is a great option. 

15.   Hang out with married friends.  See what a relationship is REALLY like.  Each relationship will show you how different every one is and how hard a relationship must be worked on.

16.   Family is important.  Cherish relationships with parents and siblings.

17.   Kids. Play with nieces, nephews and godsons when they are around.  They are only young for so long and unless you plan on being married, they may be the only ones around for quite some time.  Give hugs, teach them how to blow kisses, and make farting noises on their belly buttons.  It never gets old.

18.   Start dance parties with toddlers.  They are the BEST dancers.  Make sure you tell them they are the best as often as possible! 

Feelings

19.   Feel emotions and feel them deeply.  Have your heart broken, but love anyways, even if he doesn’t know you exist. Know that no matter what, it will all be okay.

20.   Love is awful!  Make “F” you Fudge when he decides not to love you.  Do so while baking Christmas cookies with the girls and make sure to cry hysterically and try to cover it.  Salty tears make the best cookies.

21.   Love is great!  Always hope for love and never give up, even if you don't find someone. Get over the men who didn’t work out.  It wasn’t meant to be.  Suppress any emotions when liking a guy who does not like you in return.  It’s not worth it.  Don’t change to be something you think they want rather than who you are.

22.   Get very angry at God for not knowing best who you should be with, even though you have told Him repeatedly.  This goes over really well…..or not.  Realize after arguing with God, that He really does know best.  After this argument you will be able to move forward in life confidently. Be continually thankful that these relationships did NOT work out.  Thank God He knows best!

23.   Being single is awful when you think you know who you should be with.  Especially if it happens a couple different times.  Trust that God knows better than you.  It develops a strength that is incomparable to anything else.

24.   Be thankful you are single.  Mourn that you are single.  Know that when you are married you will probably do the same about being married!

25.   Kiss men only worth kissing.  Toads don’t REALLY make princes. 

26.   Respect men.  Being an independent woman does not mean you “Do what you want”.  Give men the respect they deserve, just as much as you desire to be treated like a lady.

27.   Appreciate being treated like a lady.  It’s rare and if it is not encouraged then men will forget how to do it.  Stop dreaming of Disney princesses while proclaiming feminism.  It sends mixed signals.

28.   Say yes to dates when asked.  Give men chances to woo you.  If you overanalyze how the relationship would go you may miss out on a really good thing.

29.   Don’t say yes to dates if you know that it will never ever go anywhere.  Save yourself the heartaches.

30.   Sometimes, single is better than being in the wrong relationship.

31.   Love when you’re ready not when you’re lonely.  Knowing how to be alone is a key part of knowing how to love.  Not everyone who is single is lonely, and not everyone in a relationship is happy. Fill loneliness with friends and getting to know other people.  Develop social skills. 

32.   Maybe happy endings don’t end with a guy.  And that is okay.  Life is a continual journey, never get to the point where you think you are at your happy ending, or you’ll become stagnant.  A happy ending will involve dying, and meeting God face to face.

33.   Don’t become a jaded female against men. Earn a man’s respect; they deserve it most of the time and it is much more attractive then placing other men’s faults on them.

34.   God doesn’t guarantee a husband and family, in fact, sometimes, it is just the opposite and He will use you in your singleness.  Do not waste the single years longing for something and waiting for life to start.  Start your life long before a relationship starts and know who you are.

Beauty

35.   Know what real beauty is.  Be intelligent, be yourself, and be real. 

36.   Come to terms with the fact that you will always see airbrushed magazines of skinny models that don’t really look like that in real life.  Real, breathing, confident women, will always be more attractive.

Life

37.   Give back to others.  Financially, volunteering, and in any way you can.  Don’t take anything for granted. Enjoy life and giving to others when able.

38.   Read.  Read books on spirituality, being single, being married, inspirational books, depressing books, mysteries, biographies.  Read a lot, and learn to form your own opinion rather than relying on others or authors.  Develop critical thinking.  Know your core beliefs in order to build on them.

39.   Read inspirational quotes.  They’re inspirational.

40.   Don’t read inspirational quotes that may be false, such as popular ones like: “I’m Single: Because God is writing the best love story for me.” Sometimes, God is doing much more than that.

41.   Say what you mean to say.  Give good advice when people ask for it and be known for giving sound advice.

42.   Don’t give advice!  Sometimes, you are wrong.  Sometimes, others are not ready to hear advice when they ask and it is better for them to discover it for themselves.  Ask leading questions so that they figure it out on their own. Decipher if they really want advice, or just a listening ear.  There is a difference.

43.   Overanalyze and always improve.

44.   Don’t overanalyze.  Just do Something!  If you overanalyze too much you will never do anything.

45.   Never leave the house in sweats.  You never know when you will meet an amazing man or a nemesis. 

46.   Don’t have a nemesis.

47.   If you’re lucky enough to be different, don’t ever change.

48.   Try new things.  Learn things from YouTube! Sew an apron, learn how to use nunchucks, learn how to decorate cakes, learn how to do the weird things in life that everyone secretly wishes they knew how to do.  Don’t tell people you know how to do them and then bust out the talents when least expected.

49.   Go new places and travel.  Go hiking through caves, boating, camping, try new restaurants and order something you wouldn’t make yourself. 

50.   You will never know what life has in store, and cannot make a list of dos and don’ts.  Every day is different.  Some things that are dos at one time in life, are don’ts at other times.  Never make a list of things you have learned for others and then blog about it.  You may not be right on everything, or they could be misinterpreted.

51. Being single isn't something to just "survive", just as much as being married isn't something to just "survive".  Embrace life, work on it, and make the best out of whatever relationship status you are in.

52.   Love God as much as possible.  Don't worry about the "Date God" or "Married to God" spiritual fads that go around. Learn about Him and who He really is.  Realize that nothing else in life is important other than knowing Him.  Develop a strong relationship with Him and come what may, married or unmarried, life will go on and will be better either way.  Ignore the rest of the above list.

Why eHarmony did not work for me!

It is a rough and scary world out there for dating.  This became extremely apparent to me recently as six of my friends created an eHarmony profile for me one evening.  I have always been a little weary of online dating and have never tried it.  I know it will take a special guy to enjoy my unique personality and views on life, and a date in and of itself terrifies me, let alone going on a date with someone I haven't met.  (One of my friends just wanted me to join so he could hear entertaining stories of me being klutzy on dates!) 

I gave in to my friends and allowed them to make me an eHarmony profile and wow do their opinions of me make me look great online!  I'd date me based on what they wrote! I've been telling myself that I am quite the catch but to have them think so too was very encouraging.

I should preface this with that I have amazing friends and I do think online dating works.  Three couples' weddings I am attending this Fall met online and I believe they are all very much in love.  After telling myself that online could work, I finally gained enough courage to browse the eHarmony account my friends created.  This is what I discovered:

1. There are a lot of people out there looking for love.
2. In the world of eHarmony......everyone looks like a good catch.  Either everyone is lying, or there tons of amazing people looking for love too! Hooray!
3. I seem to be the perfect age for most men in their early thirties (good to know)
4. EHarmony believes I would be a good match for any male out there that lists "Christian" on their preferences.
5. There are stalkers on eHarmony.  Or people desperate for love that come across as stalkers; and
6.  I AM WAY TOO SENSITIVE FOR EHARMONY!!

The first three lessons I learned by browsing profiles of people also searching for love.  Every profile states what they believe their potential "matches" should know about them, and what they are looking for in the other individual.  My favorite may have been a guy who stated:

•  "Who am I looking for? Well, I don't know her name, what she looks like, what her favorite food is, whether or not she can sing, dance, or simultaneously chew bubble gum and walk. But I do know she is kind, gracious, and faithful. And simply looking at her makes me smile."

I'm pretty sure he meant me.   Or possibly the school teacher who stated that the thing he was most passionate about was:

• "Caring for the poor and overlooked, 'the least among us.' God has given me compassion for people that fit in this category. One expression of this is for students in my classroom who have rough home lives and/or have been or are homeless. My heart breaks for these kids and I seek to love especially them with the love of God."   It also didn't hurt that C.S. Lewis was on his favorite authors list.

I'm pretty sure he was also looking for me. 

 

From cheesy profiles showcasing humor to serious profiles; everyone was trying to capture the attention of the individual that they are looking to love.  And according to eHarmony I was a match with 176 of them, with 6 more added each day.  Dear Lord help us all!

 

I engaged in conversations with 3 of them.  Of the three I started talking to, two of them blocked me (shortly after I uploaded a picture but I'm sure that wasn't the reason!) and the other one began asking why I hadn't been responding to his messages within three hours of receipt and what I was doing between 8:00 and 11:00 when I didn't respond.  He then questioned my honesty on if I really was driving back and forth between Washington and Oregon between that time. I blocked him.

 

Out of 176 "matches", I blocked 160 after a few weeks of not communicating with any of them. I left 16 of them unblocked just in case they started a conversation. 

 

I am too sensitive for eHarmony. Or probably any dating site for that matter.  I didn't like being blocked by other people, it hurt my feelings and I didn't even know them! I also didn't like blocking others!!  I felt like a bad person for blocking the one individual who was becoming stalkerish, and he was the one I should have easily blocked!  Ultimately, he was just looking for someone too.  I also didn't like reading the expectations that everyone had listed for what they were looking for, give us a break guys!  I'm sure the girls on eHarmony had just as many qualifications.  I think it is good and really valuable to know what characteristics you want in a life partner, but some of those traits develop over time and in a relationship as well.

 

Perhaps men were intimidated with my ideal man when they read: "I am looking for a man who is a strong Christian and able to lead in the same manner. Someone who enjoys theological conversations, having fun, and has a great sense of humor. Someone who is social and loves trying new things would be a plus. I am not looking for the "perfect" man, but rather someone who is willing to take on life as it is while keeping God at the center of it."......I admit, possible high expectations, but eHarmony asked for them!

 

I guess I will have to stick to the old fashion way of dating by meeting someone in person.  I am really much more charming being my klutzy, in-person self anyways. And they can't block me with a click of a button!

 

So, goodbye eHarmony.  I am glad you think that there are 176 men out there for me to meet with an additional 6 added each day.  I unfortunately cannot handle the endless ideals and lists of perfect women and men listed and I pray that if God ever decides its time for me to be married it's much clearer than having to weed through 176 lists of what men want. 

 

I went to a women's retreat this weekend that had an amazing speaker.  She had been through what most people would define as a difficult marriage, but ultimately, a godly one where they worked, and worked, and worked at their relationship.  As hard as it may be, that is the kind of relationship I would want, not her circumstances, but someone willing to work on a marriage no matter what comes. If I were to have planned my life, I would be married and not single; but I do not know anyone whose life turned out how they planned it.  Married or unmarried I want to enjoy the life that God has given me. 

If I ever get married, I will be giving my heart to someone who wants to love it, cherish it, appreciate how unique it is, and who plans to give it back to God whole. I would strive to do the same for him.  But I am content to live life as single until then.

I may be too much of a romantic to enter the dark world of dating.

Dirt Pudding Graveyard

This Dirt Pudding Graveyard is delicious!! It includes white chocolate gravestones.  I was jumping for joy in the store isle when I found molds to make chocolate bones for this year's rendition!  Such a fun treat to share with others.  Try it out!!

Dirt Pudding Graveyard
2 one lb packages or oreo cookies
1/2 stick butter
8 oz cream cheese
1 Cup powdered sugar
3 1/2 Cups milk
2 small packages of french vanilla instant pudding
12 oz cool whip
Gravestones or bones:  Wilton chocolate melts and molds (find at local craft stores)

1.  Mix with a blender:   Butter, cream cheese, powdered sugar.
2.  Mix in separate bowl:   Milk, pudding mix, cool whip
3.  Combine the above two mixtures.
4.  Crush:   Oreos (blender or chopper)

In pan layer the crushed Oreos and then layer the creamed mixture.  Continue to layer mixtures until they are gone.  The last layer should be Oreos.

Decorate with chocolate gravestones and or bones.

Store in the Refrigerator and Serve!  Yumm!

Forever Like That

I have been loving “love” lately.  Not me being in love or longing for it but just the whole idea of love: the good, the bad, the commitment, and the securities and insecurities of being with another person.  Ultimately the whole idea of love and being human and able to build a relationship is beautiful.

I had a fun girls’ weekend over the past few days.  It was a blast.  We had a great time involved eating, shopping, eating, a concert, eating, and movies.  I love girl weekends….because I love laughing and eating…a lot.

At the concert we went to the opening act blew me away and I overwhelmingly felt a sense of how amazing it is that we have the ability to build relationships.  I do mean romantic relationships when I refer to building relationships however I have been building friendships lately, and even those amaze me sometimes with how we are able to connect with certain people.  

I was inspired at the concert I went to with the girls to really just appreciate all that is “love” even while not being in a romantic relationship.  Couples make me smile nowadays and not out of jealousy and want for my own love story to be written but out of joy that they have found something worth working for.  I think that is what it ultimately comes down to, finding someone that makes you want to work on a relationship even when you can drive each other crazy and still love and stick with through the crazy times of life.

All that to say, here is a beautiful song called Forever Like That by Ben Rector that was played at the concert this weekend.  It is currently unreleased and unrecorded but I hope it is soon.

Embracing Awkwardness

I always have random adventures with my friends.  I love being part of multiple unique groups of people and have enjoyed how my groups of friends have morphed over the years. 

I seem to have had many awkward experiences with my friends.  I’m beginning to wonder if things just happen to me in general or if these different groups of people tend allow awkwardness to occur more freely.  I have to admit that I kind of like awkwardness.  It makes life feel more real rather than pretending that we all have perfect lives.

Many of these awkward experiences stories I have had with my friends would cause me to die laughing while trying to reminisce about them. If people heard them we would probably have to attribute them to a “you had to be there” moment.  My friends do on occasion swap “Awkward Moments with Andrea” stories and I am still unsure how I feel about that.

I have come to the conclusion that awkward moments are good for you.  I’ve been trying to figure out if I am awkward lately, and maybe the answer is yes.  But then, who isn’t?  Who doesn’t have stories about tugging on mouse tales while thinking it was a piece of tire, accidentally strattling a guy while trying to climb on bleachers (while having string cheese breathe of course), getting lost repeatedly with directions and ending up who knows where, and embarrassing Dance Dance Revolution finales.

Sometimes embracing awkward moments rather than sulking away in embarrassment may be the better option.  It creates more friendships….or at least creates more stories for your friends to compare and have a common ground to talk about when meeting each other…

Mourning and Rejoicing

The Bible talks about mourning with those who mourn and rejoicing with those who rejoice.  Even though it is from the Bible this is an interesting concept for both Christians and non-Christians.

This came up recently for me when a friend asked if it hurt me that she was getting married.  I was taken aback a little because I didn’t realize what she was asking and at first thought she was insulting me.  I eventually put together that she was asking me if I was hurt because she was getting married and I am not married.  She was trying to be thoughtful but didn’t quite know how to approach the subject.

She felt bad sharing her wedding plans and excitement with me and worried that I in turn would be sad that I was not getting married.  I am actually thrilled when people get married (unless I feel I was supposed to be the one to marry that person and that God didn’t answer my prayers and that my life is ruined and….oh wait….different topic).

I may on occasion mourn being single.  If I marry someday I will probably on occasion mourn NOT being single.

I gladly get excited with my friends when they begin exciting new phases of their lives.  This does not just include marriage but other life changing journeys as well.

A big part of life is not only mourning with each other but also rejoicing with each other.  I would say that anyone close to me in my life has experienced not only mourning with me but also some amazing excitement.

Ironically we can mourn and rejoice in the same experiences and situations.  Sometimes we don’t know how to mourn with others so we avoid the situation entirely, or we don’t know how to rejoice with others for their excitement when our own pain can be so strong.

The greatest thing I admire in other people is open genuine honesty.  It shows strength to be vulnerable. I continually question when I am being open with someone with my struggles if they are the type of person to use that vulnerability against me.  They may use them against me, but sometimes being vulnerable also opens up a door for the other person to relate and be vulnerable as well.

It is easier to bottle up our pain and frustrations from each other and protect ourselves.  But is that really better in the long run?  And isn’t it more divisive to hide our struggles than to use them to build each other up and encourage each other?

Some of my most encouraging moments have come from when people have been vulnerable with me and talked about what they struggle with.  Most of the time I think “No way!! You too?” in these moments. 

Mourning and rejoicing with each other builds bonds.  It builds community and unity.  So why do we try to avoid being vulnerable with each other so much?  It seems like we should embrace mourning and rejoicing with each other head on. 

I know that anyone who has mourned with me over my singleness will be the first to rejoice with me someday when I am no loner single.  They are also the ones that know it is a weakness of mine and creates self-esteem issues for me and have continually been there for me. And they have been able to see how God has been able to use this weakness of mine for His purposes.  With that being said how can they not mourn with me in my weaknesses but rejoice with me in them all at the same time?

Christmas Newsletter ---New Years ---Happy Birthday Newsletter…..

(I should preface this by saying that it was originally going to be a Christmas letter, and then I was too busy and it was going to be New Years….and then a Birthday one)

I love receiving Christmas news letters and cards.  I don’t receive them that often anymore because I think the practice of sending out Christmas newsletters and cards is slowly dying.  We now have facebook and texting to simultaneously update friends throughout the years or send well wishes to on holidays.

When debating sending out a newsletter I decided that I would of course include a glamor shot of myself with it taken from the perfect angle to make me look attractively single so that when people received the newsletter they would think “Wow, Andrea is looking good, why has some lucky guy not snatched her up?” rather than “Oh, no wonder she is single”.  I’d probably have to rent or borrow a cute puppy for this photo session in order to replace the picture perfect family in matching khakis and sweaters with perfect smiles that I don’t as of yet have.


I realized something while going over the past year and trying to think of newsletter type updates.  This has been an intense year that has completely changed a lot about me and I’ve had to make some decisions about what to hold onto in life and what to let go of.

If I were going to do a positive newsletter snap shot of the past year I would have to include:  I got a promotion at work, I’ve been hanging out with some pretty amazing youth, I’ve been involved in planning camps and weekly lessons, I have some new amazing friends that I have learned to just be myself around, I took a few road trips to Canada to see some awesome godsons worth bragging about, I’ve been enjoying my family rather than tolerating, and I’ve really been enjoying life and where I am at in it.

All that would be true, but the thing about newsletters and updating friends is we always try to showcase the good and edit out the painful, the bad, and the ugly mess that we can sometimes be.  It’s easier that way and we don’t feel as judged.  Doesn’t everyone else have it all together after all?

I was serious when I said I have been enjoying life and where I am at in it.  The truth is though that my life is not where I would have wanted it to be were it up to me.  Thank goodness it is not up to me.  I think it is the “grass is greener on the other side” syndrome that makes us always want to be somewhere else in life than where we are right now.

The thing is though, the plans that I would have made for me, are plans that wouldn’t necessarily instantly make me happy.  I’ve tried to tell God that I’m sure of what would make me happy.  But perhaps my version of happy is not God’s ultimate goal for me.  But joy is.


Realizing the difference between joy in life and just happiness is a long painful road to learn.  Joy for me has been learning that God loves me in the midst of my pain, and that knowing when doors are shut in one direction there is a reason for that.  It can be pretty freeing when being able to look back and see what God has done vs. what I would have planned for my life.  Amazingly enough…God seems to always have bigger and better plans than mine.  The joy I have been experiencing has come from confidence in knowing what God has done for me and that He ultimately does know better.

I wouldn’t say it has just been this year that has made me realize this. It has been a culmination of the past five years and finally being able to look back and see what God has been doing through all my resistance to His plans and desires by using what I would have considered weaknesses, and scraps of my life.

I would say the biggest thing I will take from 2011 is that God knows better.  I got to experience that.  I experienced pain with close friends moving away…and then more close friends moving away.  I got to experience hurt when having to realize a guy I was interested in was not what God wanted for me at this point in my life….again, and again.  I experienced health diagnostics that weren’t exactly ideal.  Most of all this past year I experienced emotional healing though…..which sounds very kooky and mother earthish.


It would take a long time to go into that, but suffice it to say that it is amazing to not feel trapped in the past or held down and to see how God can bring us out of our past pain and rebellion and use it for something beautiful when we don’t try to edit out what He has done for us by shoving it all under a carpet.

So there you have it.  I don’t have a perfect newsletter life I realized.  I have something better.  I have a life that I am learning to be open and willing to let God use. Obviously it has been a while since I have blogged, and I miss it.  I think more so because it allows me to piece together what I am going through and thinking.